Living with PTSD

Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD


Its one of these illnesses that everyone's heard about, but very few people understand. In World War One it was called 'Shell shock'. More often than not this illness was not diagnosed and soldiers were shot for cowardice. Since World War Two it's been accepted as a legitimate illness, but still not fully understood, or for that matter diagnosed in many cases.

Extreme cases are recognised, but what of the normal guy in uniform?

I have heard the saying 'War changes you'. I would like to think I took my five conflicts in my stride. In true Para fashion if Id been in a bad situation I came back had a beer or five and got into trouble of some kind, be it a fight or just drunkenness. I would wake the next day with a hangover and it would be business as usual. Looking back on it I now know that was my way of coping. I have seen friends suddenly commit suicide; get done for shop lifting, and turn into alcoholics. Admittedly this is in the minority. Most of my friends came through it all relatively unscathed or so we like to think so. I think many of us are in denial and may be time bombs ready to go off at a moments notice if the right buttons are pushed.

In my early days I came back from Northern Ireland having served two and a half of a particularly hazardous three year tour. In those days you were encouraged to come home in uniform or 'Walking out dress' as it was usually known. I was merrily shopping on Saturday morning with my Mother and Father in a very busy town centre and proudly in my Parachute regiment No2 dress. A car backfired almost next to me.

I went for cover.

When I realised where I was I pretended to stumble and recovered my dignity hoping no one had noticed. My mother never noticed or maybe as a wartime nurse she knew what I was going through and looked the other way to spare my embarrassment. However, my father said. "You OK son, you were taking cover weren't you." I looked at the ground, but he just shrugged it off and told me not to worry, as it gets everyone like that to start with.

A lifetime of soldiering, five wars behind me and five years as a Contractor in Iraq and I like to think I'm normal. However, my wife says I'm more short tempered than when she first met me and although I don't have a drinks problem I do drink more than I used to...a lot more. Is this a minor form of PTSD? Do all servicemen and women who have seen combat and the horrors men inflict on each other suffer from PTSD. Some people, maybe the more sensitive and civilised amongst us, are the ones who crack up first. The rest of us may still have the confrontational 'Cave man' gene and it takes longer and more exposure to the horrors and stress of war before we to finally crack.

In 'Keepers of the Gateway to hell' I have tried to show the everyday stress and strain of the average bodyguard in Iraq. I think I have painted the picture pretty well. When I was on convoy escort missions one of my team mates used to come back from and without a word make his way back to his basher at speed. By the time I had unloaded my gear and joined him he was sitting on the steps of his hut in t-shirt and shorts with a large mug of what I at first thought was coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. As time went on I found out that his mug of coffee was in fact rum and this was his way of coping. He was a good operator and a good soldier, and a better man to watch your back in a fire fight you could not ask for, however he had his own demons and his way of taking care of them.



Simon Chambers.